A Very Long Overdue Post

sniff some Windex first it will help you from streaking!

OMG I am sick with what has got to be the worst case of a cold with larengytis I have ever had in my whole dance career.  Well there was one other time but it ranked pretty close to what I am feeling today.  It has been a long week and although I have not lost my voice completely I will say it has come pretty frickin close.  I have 2 more nights to go and hopefully the Willie Nelson sound I have going on stays enough with me to finish out the next 2 nights.

Since my last post not much has happened around here with me other then this cold & frog in the throat epidemic I have.  I came home from one the most exhausting nights of dancign last night to find yet again my house empty which I love so much.  No messages on the phone nothing.  At 11:45 pm my father stumbles in the door slamming things around and putting left over supper in the microwave to have before he retired to bed.  I knew with this grumpy mood it was might night to attack.  With such little voice I knew I could get my point across with ease.  As I layed on the couch watching NCIS I could hear him stomping down the stairs.  I never looked up from my vertical position on the couch and then he started.  He was whining about getting home so late and no supper and blah blah bablah!!!!  All the while I am thinking in my mind - who gives a fuck!  He finally shuts up long enough for me to ask if the phone was broke or something?  He knew he was in for it when I made that comment.  He had called me at 3 in the afternoon to ask how I was feeling - someone came in and he said he would call me right back - 11:45 I had still never got a call back.  I asked again if the phone lines were broke or his cellular was dead or had his visit to the fiancé was more important then how his son was feeling at the time?  His response I knew would be interesting.  He slams his supper down onto the TV tray and looks me straight in the eye and says - she will never be a fiancé to me I made the only marriage I am ever going to have and she is now dead and he picked up his supper and started eating.  He then slammed it down again as fast as he had picked it up and said where in the hell would I get such a ludacris idea as marriage?  I said oh well I seen the receipt that fell out of your wallet for the diamond ring you had to pick up at the jewelers last Wednesday and took out to her that night.  I had seen the receipt that said 10K Aqua/Diamond Engagement ring and the whopping big price of $289.90.  I asked if he denied making such a purchase on the 19th of March in the afternoon while he was away from the shop or was he going to try and deny that one as well?  He hung his head for a second and muttered the words "I cannot believe you are making a statement like that without finding out the truth - truth I said you have never known the meaning of that word for the last 21 fucking years I stated.  He rebutted that it was not an engagement ring it was a ring she had purchased for her daughter for her birthday in April & that he was picking it up from being resized and elivering it so she could give it to her in due time of her birthday.  I laid there not believeing this story after refuting the fact that he has lied so many years.  He then continued to say that he would never get married again - once was enough and that is all he ever wanted.  I will keep that statement in the back of my mind for the when and if the day comes that I can throw that little tidbit in his face.  I know the day will come.  I will be victorious in making his life a living hell again some day.  I dropped this subject to then go back to where the hell he was out to till this hour of the evening?  He stated he was out with the gang?  His g/f and a few others - I asked if they could not feed him or what cause this house of mine is not a diner where you come and go and expect there will always be a meal waiting.  He hung his head again picked up his unfinished left overs stomped upstairs threw the left overs into the garbage, threw the dishes in the dishwahser and stormed off to bed.  I claim another victory point in this one.  Guilt over the years showed that when one had won a battle he would storm off and go to bed - I claimed the victory with pride.  My mother was probably looking down from heaven saying "good job Terry I raised you well"

So other then that not much going on with me.  I am going to nurse this cold back to good health I hope and hopefully will be on the medn again to be able to travel to Moncton for the Easter weekend to do a dance down there on Saturday and spend Friday night either at World Curling and/or definitely a bar or two!

to the hotel the other night I made a comment on how I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled.  The clerk behind the counter responded sir it is regular porn you sick bastard!

Just one of those kind of weeks I guess.  Last week was hellish busy then this week is not much better.  Especially after the little discovery I made today.  As the phone rang earlier on today I knew something was not right.  I picked up the phone to find my father very frantic on the other end of the line.  I could hear that the window was down in his vehicle so my first instinct was that he was pulled over by the cops or something.  My instinct was correct.  He was calling to ask me to check the back bath to see if there was indeed his wallet on the floor here at the office. I told him I would call right back.  His wallet was indeed on the floor.  I called him back to let him know and he was happy it was here but his voice still frantic like he was scared that it was in my possession.  I being completely like my mother picked up the extra couple of papers that had fallen out of the wallet and placed them back in the wallet but something was telling me to look at those papers.  There was this eery feeling like a sign from above (I swear that my guardian angel "Mum" is watching me closely).  I opened one of the slips only to find a simple receipt - a receipt for a new shiny diamond ring purchased last Thursday from a local jeweler & the second slip the repair tag for sizing that placed the idea it was ready to be picked up today.  Now the story does get better as I recalled last Thursday's events in my mind.  I know that the slut my father has taken up with was indeed in town during the evening of last Thursday as she was attending one of my dance classes.  The receipt was for 1:43 P.M.  Think Funky Think where was your father at this specific point in time during the day?  I am drawing a blank -  why do I draw a blank at this stage of the process ?????? I check my records of work done last week I recall now that he was not in the office much that day he was indeed out that afternoon but what was the time span - I am drawing another blank!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It will come to me I know it will - HOPEFULLY!

If this is the case that this purchase of $289.98 diamond ring is anywheres close to being of the engagement style this relationship between my father and I will turn very ugly.  I will have no father as far as I am concerned - I know it is harsh to say but let us be fucking realistic - my mother died only 6 months come the 28th of March if he is already contemplating marriage with this slut then where do I really fit into his picture of the world?  He says I am the only thing that he has got in his life but has he really taken into consideration any kind of feelings of mine?

Guess it is time to hang up my detective hat and go for the interrogator hat tonight if he decides to drop by for a visit.  If the answer is yes it was "the ring" then I guess it is back to therapy for me.  I will then be putting my plans into action to secure my future without my father.  Life is cruel & when I think back to the day Mum passed away & think ever more why she was taken from me I feel the tears starting to roll down my face.  Why could someone with so much love for people and life be taken away so early when you have fuck heads like my father who have ruined lives for 20+ years for himself to get ahead can live and be free and happy.  Life is not fair.  Death is not fair.  Life sucks!!!!

RIP Mum I miss you the most on a day like today - you and I will be together again - soon Mum soon !

Is nothing but a woman (man) 2 sandwiches short of a prostitute picnic!

Lordy knows when I heard that quote on Dr Phil I could reflect back on the people who have come into my life and have left from my life for that reason - they were friends with me as long as I was there to drive them around everywhere, pay the tab when needed or whatever else & once the cash and vehicle started to disappear so did the friends.  I am blessed to be able to say I have some amazing friends in my life who do not fit that description above.  It only takes one gold digger to remind a person of who the real friends are in life.

This week has been yet another busy week by all means.  I am by far back into the full swing of busy again and of course vacation is such a distant memory now.  One month ago from today of this posting I was spending my day in airports and airplanes making the trek home from sun and sand to snow & arctic chills.  Oh how I wish I could find a way to winter in the sun like the snow birds do but that would either (A) require me to become a gold digger & find a sugar mama that would keep me or (B) win the lottery & I do not see either of those happening anytime soon!

So this week has been a week of constant reminders that no matter the situation one can put the past behind them and go with the flow.  Lordy knows sometimes one has to take a step back & relook at the world as a whole and really evaluate things a little differently.  I know this week when an email came through my Facebook I looked long and hard at whether to open it and read or just let my finger and a click of the mouse make it disappear.  I chose the first.  The past is the past and what happened in the past will stay there.  It was good to get caught up with this person even though our past might not have ended in the way we liked but today is a new day and Rome was not built in a day but hey friends are always good to have.

Speaking of Facebook or Crackbook as I call it - these changes are for the birds and they really have to stop them anytime.  Give me the option to go back to my original and I will be happy as a pig at the slop trough!  Change is good at times and is a little hard to get used to but I am set in my ways I could handle the old one for now!

For those who have been listening to the music up above and trying to figure out who it was I am sure by now you know that you will not find the answer on Google or any other search engine.  It was indeed Mrs Floobie's Mom who guessed it right off to know it is indeed me who is singing King of the Road by the late great Roger Miller.  It was one of those fun things I done while taking the tour in Nashville at the Ryman Auditorium that day.  For 15 bucks you go in choose your song and record away.  It is the real deal sound booth and recording these songs is harder then one thinks.  This is not karaoke where the words flash up on the screen you either know the song or you fail - guess I failed 3 times before # 4 came out above.  I enjoyed it and would love to some day be dumb enough to record my own square dance tune to be used by folks in my profession and hear that song played knowing it was once mine.  Again that would also require a bit of A or B listed above :-)

Hope all is well in your world.  Summer sure felt like it settled in this week around here and I am sure with St Patty's Day approaching quickly that we could still see some snow yet before spring officially arrives on Friday.  Bring it on really cause lordy knows what snow does come now will be gone in a month or so.  One thing I know for sure is that I will be missing out on the St Patty's Day festivities at my favourite bar. Dammit all! Last year was such a memorable year with my best friend Nikki and I and a few friends all drinking green drinks and having a good time.  Remembering the girl drunk at the next table named Fern "Ya know like the plant Fern"  as she wailed to everyone who walked by and her friend Kevin who took my green hair as his way of hitting on me and asking me if I wanted to exchange numbers or something - Jesus I am glad I am going to miss out on that this year!

Happy St Patty's Day all - hope you have the luck of the Irish with you throughout the day and year! 

Wow!

Never realized till I jumped in the cab on Friday night after heading to the bar after having a few wobbly pops that the cabbie who is a great guy & a fellow blogger reminded me how much I have missed blogging and had not updated this link in so long.  Thanks Mike aka Freddy Beach Cabby for the great cab ride to the bar & for the pics on your blog.  You are certainly a great guy & glad we could request such great service!

Life has certainly been different in the last little while for me.  I mean the loss of Mum, the beginning of a new year, a trip to Nashville one weekend for some fun with my father & seeing the big names at the Grand Ole Opry both Friday night & Saturday night, my 2 week stint in Clearwater Florida & what seemed like cold weather the first 5 days and then glorious sun & lots of drinking every day brings me back to the place I am at today.

Since my last post with so much going on the 2 week break away from life as I like to call all my vacations was what the Dr ordered.  Well I call myself no Dr but it sure was what I needed.  Sun, no snow, no shovelling, it was awesome.  I got to see my great friends/parent like family to me for 2 weeks.  I hated to say goodbye and come back to this life here.  I knew when I got back it was back to work, back to finishing up some executor duties of the passing of Mum and then of course the one part that drives me nuts the most - the lying, deception & all round bullshit of the guy who calls himself my father.  Yes I took him to Nashville for a couple of reasons - one for him to live his ultimate dream of being in Nashville and getting to experience the Grand Ole Opry & two - for me to possibly bridge the gap between he and I that has existed for some 21 years as he chose to cheat on my mother.  I had hoped that bridging that gap would bring us closer together.  Lordy knows with the passing of Mum he is the only family I have left.  He is my father.  We had a good time in Nashville and low & behold when I got home from Florida I thought things had started to change that was until 2 days after I come home he drops what I call "the bombs" that the woman SLUT he had been befriending with since last July that they would be getting a little more serious about things between them both.  He thought that this was someone he could move on in his life with he felt it was right.  I felt like beating the living shit out of him but I didn't.  He lives his life I live mine that is all I have to worry about.  I have seeked the counselling on the professional level I needed to get through the loss of my mother & best friend and that has helped me greatly.  Several others in my family could do the same they might find it is easier to deal with the situations at hand a hell of allot easier!

So life goes on.  I come home from my relaxation trip to Clearwater/Universal Studios/drunken beaches & golf cart racing through the 55+ park in Florida to what seemed like the largest storm ever only a week after I got home.  50 centimetres of snow (20") in a 12 hour span and plowing this shit was brutal.  Visions of sun & sand was flashing at a high speed pace through my mind & that the brutal realization that vacation was indeed over.  That is alright I have my next one planned already and am looking forward to it.  Life is too short not to travel & see as much as one can while one has the money, time & health to do so.

So back to how I come about to meet FreddyCabby on Friday night.  Many of my friends would tell you that when I go out to the clubs I am not one to drink a whole lot cause I am usually the designated driver.  Friday night dancing was cancelled due to snow (big shocker) so I got together with some friends and decided to drink a little more then usual.  I knew going to the bar I would not be driving & hence why I met Mike.  We had allot of great laughs on the way to the bar and we talked a little blog-talk but I will say Friday night went down in history in my books as one hell of a good time & the best part is I can actually say I remember everything about the night.  A night I needed and will not be doing it till my birthday in April!

So this is life for me - work every day, dancing/teaching 5 nights a week now, meetings on Sundays it seems, hardly hearing from my mother's side of the family which is kinda shitty but their choice not mine.  My father moving on with his life after the loss of my mother even though they were seperated he never stopped loving her he says - BULLSHIT I say! I am happy where I am in my life.  I have a good job, I have great friends, I have seen so much of the world and allot of it with my best friend my mother and even though I am still single and no prospects on the horizon I am very content and happy and really taking life one day at a time.

So I bid all of a good day I am off to do my domestic duties and get some things cleaned out of the house before the work week starts.  Another busy week coming up & we will be back to our regular scheduled programming here at this ole blog.  I am feeling inspired to write here again I need this avenue to get back to the calmer side of my life :-)

One last note - the song playing on the blog for those of you who can hear it it is an "unknown singer" if you can guess who the original artist of the song is and who is currently signing it on my blog leave a comment in the comment section - it's all in fun :-)

I will start off my review of 2008 with one of the things that will come as no shock to any who frequent here.  2008 was a rough year for me in many facets of life but this one was the hardest.  I know that my blogging has slowed down allot in 2008 and with good reason.  So here goes my review as I recall it for 2008.

January started off yet another year and sometimes what would become a trend for the winter of major snow storms.  I think we were still digging out snow until end of April it seems.  January held also the diagnosis of cancer for Mum.  With great odds we set out on what would become several trips to Chemotherapy and doctors appointments.

February was a slower month.  Weekly treatments for Mum, I dated a small amount during February and dancing was busy.  Thank heavens this was a short month but it seemed like it drug on forever.

March was the beginning of a busy month.  Mum was responding so well to chemotherapy they changed the regime to speed along the process.  Maybe the speeding up was not needed but we forged forth with the new treatment at the very tail end of the month and into the rest of April through June.  Dancing was at an all time high busy period for me and as well seemed like everytime I turned around it was cancelled due to weather.

April was a quieter month for me.  I turned yet another year older.  Dancing was busy as ever.  Trips to Saint John to see the doctors was a little more frequent.  The words Radiation therapy was introduced into our vocabulary as a possibility.  Mum was still forging along great with treatments.

May seen the end of the dance season which was a much welcomed break.  Life for me was normal again and allot busier it seemed.  I was feeling this itch for some reason this month and could not figure out what that itch was.  I soon found out in June.  That word radiation therapy come into big play in May.  We would soon find out what was going to happen with Mum then.

June was a somewhat busy month.  The first week her chemotherapy treatments had ceased to make way for radiation therapy in July.  I had a busy weekend teaching other square dance callers with my good buddy from Nova Scotia.  I said good bye to the Funky van I had to downsize for me to a sporty little Funky Rogue.  I miss the room of the van but the SUV is much more fun for me.  As a wise friend used to say to me frequently on this blog "vans are not for single people - you're much cooler then a van"

July was the extremely busy month it seemed for Mum and I.  We made 20 trips to Saint John and back on a daily basis for her to take her radiation therapy.  I got on the only 2 trips with my ATV for the summer that month.  I stood on the stage at the Canadian National Dance convention and proved to many that I was a force to be reckoned with even though they thought this young kid (which I was not the youngest by far) from the Maritimes did not know how to entertain the crowd.  Proved them wrong big time.  Had some good times and was my only trip I took this year with Mum.  She flew with me mid her treatments to attend what was I guess her last convention.  She got to see her little boy make a name for himself on stage that week.

August was another somewhat slower month.  Mum was on a 3 week break from chemotherapy treatments.  Dancing was just starting to pick up a little in prepration for Septemeber dance classes.  I started dating a girl from Saint John and had many a great weekends together with her and her son.  Mum was so excited over this relationship she thought I had found the one and with a built in family in the wings as well.  Allot more road trips was to be had that month.  Well the Rogue clocked up over 7500 kilometers in August alone!

September is when the year for me changed the most.  Mum was back to chemotherapy treatments again.  Dancing was back into full swing.  Mum turned another year older on the 22nd of September.  My world stopped on September 28 when my mother passed away only at the age of 56.  I have been lost without her ever since.  Life is certainly not the same by any means for me since she has passed.  One day we will meet again and then and only then will life be the same for me again.

Ocotber was a blurr.  With the funeral service of my mother taking place.  She was a well liked woman.  Over 500 people passed through the funeral home in 6 hours of visitation.  Over 400 filled the little country church where she attended to say their last good bye.  Dancing halted for me for most of the month as it was not what I wanted to do that month at all.  I changed gears to grieving of the loss of Mum to being the executor of her will and wishes which would prove to be just as daunting a task and the loss of Mum in itself.  Our first Thanksgiving without Mum took place as well.  I did the whole turkey dinner just as if she was here.  it was different but the year of "firsts" always is.

November I was back into full swing of dancing again.  I attended the dance convention in PEI without my sidekick Mum along with me.  It was diffferent.  It was an emotional filled weekend.  I shed way too many tears that weekend to even count.  I got drunk Friday night with my buddy from PEI.  We still laugh over that one.  I wanted to leave the island Friday afternoon before dancing began to not deal with it without Mum.  Glad I stayed to deal cause it will get easier after. 

December was another busy month.  One of the hardest months I think I probably put in.  As Christmas drew near I got more emotional.  I would cry at the drop of the hat.  As we decorated the house for Christmas I drew off that emotion how much Mum and I loved Christmas.  It was our favourite time of year. We decorated the house as if she was here.  The memory tree in the upstairs of my house meant allot more this year than anything.  It was the hardest tree to put up.  Hopefully next year it will be a little easier but holds so much it has it's own story to tell.  I did Christmas at home with my father as a way to deal with the loss of Mum.  We had our own turkey dinner, visited with friends and family in the days after Christmas and just grieved and healed as the days went on.  It was a nice break even though Dad and I worked Christmas eve and boxing day but none the less a decent holiday.  New Years Eve was fast approaching and it would see the end of another year, a rough year and as well an even rougher good bye. My relationship with the girl that had stood by my side during the passing of my mother and who I had spent countless hours with would also come to end.  I said goodbye to my girlfriend on NYE.  Not the best timing but in my heart it was for the best.  I have so many issues to deal with since the passing of Mum that I could not at this time put forth the time to have a meaningful relationship.  It was rough night to say the least. It was hard to say so long to what I consider an amazing friend, an amazing woman, and a great mother to a very special little fry who have brought many a joy to my life over the last 5 months.  I did not want to hold her back from finding that true love she desires and deserves.  We will remain good freinds.  Great friends hopefully.

So there is my year in review.  I can count on both hands how many posts I have made in 2008 but with the year I had no wonder things were quiet here at the saloon.  Although allot of people have come through those swinging doors to the saloon I take this time to thank all 181,362 people whoever they may be for coming, sitting at the bar and sharing a little time with me here.

So what does 2009 hold for me?  I really do not know.  Ever since September 28, 2008 life is one day at a time and nothing more.  Who knows what 2009 will hold.  I am shooting for a better me, mentally and emotionally and maybe physically but the first two have to be conquered first.  I plan on living life to the fullest each and every day cause one never knows when our time clock will stop ticking.  Mum and I certainly never fathomed hers would stop this soon in life but alas it has.  The man upstairs needed her for a task and I know she is doing a damn good job at it.

Happy 2009 to all my blog friends and hopefully we can have another great year together with some amazing stories and laughs and maybe even a few tears. 

To my all so important Blog Family and friends I would like to take this opportunity to wish you all a very Merry Christmas and may you all find joy, love, peace and happiness throughout the coming year of 2009.

This Christmas will be certainly different for me this year.  With the loss of Mum back in September I seemed to have lost the Merry in my Christmas.  I have read the words of the poem posted below about My First Christmas in Heaven and as comforting as those words may be I still am feeling such a large void in my life that this Christmas just does not seem like much to me.  I miss my best friend, my confidant, my travel friend, my biggest fan and that void will not be filled ever in my life. 

I have chosen this Christmas to remain at home this Christmas and celebrate as if Mum was there.  It is part of the healing process for myself - Mum would want me to do it this way.  The house is decorated just like it always was.  The traditions of years past still remain true this year.  A void is still there.  Yes I will be joining my girlfriend's family in northern NB on Christmas day but will it really feel the same?  It is a diversion from the task at hand - one will grieve for a very long time after their loved one is gone.  I replay the events of the last 4 months in my mind and I cry daily.  My therapist tells me it is all right to cry.  It is all right to feel the way I do.  It is all right to carry on the traditions as if Mum was still there to enjoy them with me.  It is different.  Unless you have been through this yourself one cannot comment on how to handle the situation at all.  I would not even fathom a guess as to the correct way to deal with this.  Home for Christmas is where I will be.

Life to say the least has been busy as of late.  My executor duties are less then dull since the passing of Mum.  Every day there is a new curve thrown into the mixture.  Some good some bad but as life would have it we make lemonade (with a hint of liquor) when we are given lemons.  This process will take upward of a year or more to deal with and I will have learned allot by the time the whole thing is over with.

As I have said I have been going to a therapist to help me with the grieving process.  It has done me allot of good and after the holidays are over a few more sessions will likely do me just as well if not better. 

As you sit around your dinner table this holiday season look around you and be thankful for those who are among you in your presence cause there may come a time when one of them is gone.  I wish you all a Merry Christmas & Happy New Year and hope it is a joyous one for all of you.  All the best in 2009!